The alienated feminist
the vulnerable self

I started with a philosophical inquiry about feminism in a safe environment: the Leiden University philosophy classroom. I embraced the complexity beyond injustices laid in the gender problems. I tried to bring the theories over academia broader into daily life situations. I faced the pinching situations as “feminism” labeled forced on me as a social conversation stopper.

“One late evening, I was catching up with a childhood friend in a Chinese restaurant. She started to complain that her mother in-laws treated her as a servant during a family gathering dinner. The mother in law demanded her to cook, to serve and to satisfy everyone else’s needs before she could sit down and eat. I offered empathy, she accepted. I also offered further discussion that her mother in-law might also be the victim of patriarchal society. She rejected with a disappointed sign, ‘oh, I forgot you are a feminist’. ”

I feel shocked and pinched. I started to look inward, into myself. I let the body lead the thinking. I engaged with brushes and colors. I trusted my full body, the full consciousness to think, to feel involved in this process. I see the feminism problem complexity intertwined with political, social, culture, and general issues. I am confronted by the facts that all feminist theories, movements are not enough to untangle the problem or provide a solution. I feel the vulnerability of myself being labeled as something ambiguous and pushed away from a group of familiarity. The alienated emotion is potentially the core structural difficulties which stop feminist theory to engage with empathy. At some point whatever I embrace, I will face the difference, the disagreement within a relationship with a real human, it could be permanent, temporal or situational. Regardless it brings the uncomfortableness. At that very moment, I am not part of the others in the space. It is the pinch I got when I first touched my cactus in my garden.

The series of cactus here is a process, the nonlinear process goes beyond the pinch living as a self-defined feminist. The inward exploration without forgetting the others. I am still inside the we, the alienation might not be cracked by simply inwardness discovering, the hope is that the braveness can shine a light into the fear of alienation.

The faceless,

the countless,

part of it,

not part of it,

be with it,

leave it,

live with it.

Acrylic on linen canvas (60cm*80cm)
2024

Drawing, drowning, wining

doing, stopping, trying

I am there,

I am still there,

I am here.

Acrylic on linen canvas (130cm*100cm)
2024

It is brave,

even if I stand still.

It is brave,

even if I am imagine.

It is trying,

even if I just move a finger.

I am moving a finger.

Acrylic on linen canvas (80cm*120cm)
2022

Hesitation is my step,

this is my step.

Acrylic on linen canvas (60cm*100cm)
2022

Did you hear?

the hand is talking,

the other hand is talking.

the silence,

is the necessity of communicating.

Acrylic on linen canvas (50cm*60cm)
2023

My dream,

your dream,

his dream,

her dream,

its dream.

Dreaming,

keep dreaming.

Acrylic on linen canvas (60cm*80cm)
2023

Rationality is not my name,

only rationality is painful,

feel the rationality.

Feel the rationality!

Can you feel the rationality!

Acrylic on linen canvas (40cm*60cm)
2023

Hide the voice,

hide the name,

hide the feeling,

hiding,

the growing,

can't be happening.

Acrylic on linen canvas (80cm*60cm)
2024

Grow, flow, glow.

Glow, flow, grow.

we, as we.

I ,am me.

You, is not you.

Acrylic on linen canvas (40cm*30cm)
2021

Who carries the fear?

In me,

on you,

between of us.

Acrylic on linen canvas (80cm*60cm)
2024